How to Be More Attracted to Your Spouse

Photo by Tanya Little

Photo by Tanya Little

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know that attraction tends to ebb and flow in marriage.  Work stress, financial concerns, parenting challenges and many other issues all compete for our attention.  Throw in the myriad of symptoms from chronic illness and we can easily struggle with desire and attraction.

But what happens where there is a more pervasive loss of attraction towards your spouse and not just the occasional “not tonight dear, I have a headache” routine?  What happens when the attraction is gone or fading fast?

Dr. Corey Allan and Gina Parris did an excellent job of answering this question last week during their Sexy Marriage Radio show.  You can listen to the entire 30 minute episode here.

Corey and Gina outline three primary ways to become more attracted to your spouse and as you may have guessed, it starts with YOU.  It’s not about changing your spouse – overhauling a wardrobe, putting on makeup or losing weight.  It’s about changing your mindset.

1.  Channel all your sexual energy into your marriage.

Every time you focus on sexual stimuli outside of your marriage, you both lose out.  The most common form of sexual stimuli is pornography and other sexually explicit materials we’re bombarded with on a daily basis from the media.  What’s set before our eyes is intended to spark an appetite.  We’re beguiled into believing all the hype when in actuality, its pure fantasy.

When you become aware of responding to sexual stimuli (and you will because its everywhere and you’re human) channel that energy back to your spouse.  Acknowledge that you’re not as attracted to your spouse as you want to be, forgive yourself for your feelings and be open to the idea of being fully aroused by the person you love.  Keep the sexual energy in the marriage and don’t go anywhere else.  Remember the reasons that attracted you to your spouse in the first place.

2.  Live as attractive.  

Are you attracted to who you see in the mirror?  Confront yourself to the deepest parts of you.  If you’re a woman, present your beauty, strength and love to your husband.  Be fully feminine.  If you’re a man, present your power and strength to your wife.  Be fully masculine.  Being shut down in your sex life doesn’t honor anyone.

Women especially need to wake up in the morning already convinced their husbands are attracted to them versus primping and styling in order to become attractive.  A deeper knowing results in being confident in who you are and carrying yourself as such.

3.  Recognize that your spouse is still going to be attractive to others. 

Remember that there is still a competition going on.  Just because you got your spouse to say “I do” doesn’t mean the competition is over.  We often forget that our spouse is a sexual human being with attributes and components other people find attractive.  If you keep in mind that other people would jump at the chance to go out with your spouse, it puts pressure on you to up your game.

We all need to have the attitude that we can’t just sit back, settle in and coast.  We have to keep working.  We need to make the most of every moment.

A great question to ask yourself is “would I want to be married to me?”  Wrestle with that question for a while.  Sometimes the answer will be yes and sometimes it will be no.  Keep working on those aspects of yourself in order to become a better you.  Not only will you reap the benefits but so will everyone around you.

Thoughts?  Are there other ways that have helped you become or stay attracted to your spouse?  Please leave a comment and share!


For additional resources, check out Dr. Corey Allan at Simple Marriage and Gina Parris at Winning at Romance.






17 thoughts on “How to Be More Attracted to Your Spouse

  1. i’m feeling bored with myself, i’m becoming lazy, my baby is nearly nine months, i’m feeling ugly and i love my husband also but i really don’t give him my time but i really want to be more caring to my Husband as before marriage and to my baby also. please help me to be attractive to my Husband i love him so much. Please…. Thanks in advance Take care

  2. Since our son my wife’s sex drive has dropped dramatically. I used to start a fight about it than she would sleep with me out of obligation. An that isn’t very arising to me. I’m always the one who has to initiate the affections and or sexual stimuli and for once I want her to come on to me. So now I don’t try for sex or initiate anything cuz I feel like I’m forcing her to sleep with me. So now I’m building a habit with porn and I’m even less attracted to her. I know porn is poison in ones intimacy with there spouse but I’m a ball of sexual frustration and get very grumpy if no release. I’m working my end but how do I ask her too without hurting her feelings or make her even more insecure?

    • Thanks for your comment Josh! A short answer to your question is that you can’t MAKE her wife desire sexual intimacy with you. She has to come to the conclusion herself that it is a vital part of any marriage. If there is no physical intimacy (and I use that word loosely because there are some illness that make intercourse almost impossible) then sadly you are nothing more than roommates. It is extremely common for a wife’s sex drive to drop dramatically after childbirth. She needs to talk to her doctor about possible treatments. If exhaustion, too much to do, poor body image are all reasons she is excusing herself from sex (and they’re all legitimate by the way), then reassure her and help her out at much as possible to lighten her load. You have already stated that you know your porn habit is poison to your initimacy and I agree 100%. Turning to porn is not the answer and will make things much worse. I have a couple of resources I want to mention – Julie Siebert’s blog Intimacy in Marriage is wonderful and addresses all kinds of sexual issues and apprpriate responses. In addition, Sheila Wray Gregoire has a fantastic ebook called 31 Days to Great Sex for married couples where she addresses all kinds of sexual problems and solutions. Please do not give up! There are people and resources out there that can help you have the fulfilling sex life you were both made for. Blessings! Helena

  3. I met a girl a few years back, fell in love, sex was amazing and we connected on almost every levels of intimacy. When she was pregnant with our child, she started being angry with me all the time and that led me to sexual intimidation. No matter how I tried, I could barely sustain an erection with her but on the other hand I get aroused easily by any other woman that comes around me. We broke up and started seeing other people, but we still loved each other greatly. We decided to get back with each other and work on our relationship and we are planning to get married, however my sexual intimidation still persists with her. I don’t know if I am the problem or if she is the problem, but I’m finding it very difficult to sustain an erection with her. I decided to find pills to use and it helped a great deal, but she does not know that I take pills to help achieve a good erection with her… No I do not have an erectile dysfunction because I get turned on by other women easily. I love her with all my heart and I’m planning my future with her but I don’t know what to do about not having a good erection with her unless I take pills which I’m too young to be taking… what kind of advice and help can I get?

    • Sam, I’m not quite sure what you mean by “sexual intimidation”. If it’s to the point where your fiancee’s anger is causing sexual problems, then it’s time to seek help. Not dealing with this before you marry is a big mistake…things will not magically improve after the wedding. Please contact a skilled therapist. I wish you all the best.

  4. I recently found out my husband is having an affair. He was taking with his x girlfriends and propositioning women on the internet for sex. Thankfully I find out before he actually has sex with them and he has since sought counseling and medication for serious depression. He said he was so depressed that he hated himself and so this was his way of dealing with it. He has since been very active in seeking my forgiveness and trust again, which both are slow to come, but now i do not find him attractive. His betrayal is deep, and I’m still struggling with enjoying sex with him. to make matters worse we are currently going through fertility treatments to start a family. Neither of us are young and I don’t want to lose out on the chance to have a family and I’ve decided to make or marriage work, but I worry I will never be attracted to him again. Help!

    • I’m so sorry for your pain! Infidelity is heartbreaking to any marriage and it can take a long time to rebuild trust. Mistrust, hurt and feelings of betrayal are all likely leading to your sexual intimacy struggles. It’s difficult to enjoy sex with someone you don’t trust! I would suggest you join your husband in counseling to work on your marriage. Starting a family is a huge commitment and your future children deserve emotionally secure and healthy parents. Wishing you all the best!

      • Thank you. I’ve been considering counseling for myself for awhile and you’ve convinced me it’s a good way to start. I have my first session in a week. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to be able to bring up my loss of attraction to my husband at this first appointment, but I’m hoping we can both work though it eventually. Thank you for your site, it is a refuge for people in need of help.

  5. Hi, my problem isn’t that i am not attracted to my husband, my problem comes from my birth control tablet trigestrel that created an hormonal imbalance for me, i have changed to a different pill but i don’t know how long it takes for my body to get back to normal. I use to be very sexual even after i had my daughter (who is now 5 ). anybody with advise. thanks

    • I’m sorry Simone but I’m not familiar with Trigestrel. Hope you’re able to find someone who can help you figure out the whole hormonal imbalance thing…not fun! All the best to you!!

  6. My sex drive plummeted after childbirth. I knew it and I was upset by it. But didn’t do much about it. I continued to have sex with my husband but was not into it and he knew it. I rarely initiated. He asked many times for me to work on it and in return I’d ask him to help more around the house. We would both change for about a week then fall into our old habits. Sex became boring. He kept trying to spice it up and I continued to revert to plain bed sex. After years of this he shut down. His ego is crushed. As a result he’s no longer attracted to me although he says I’m still “hot” and he still loves me. He does not want a divorce but we are afraid it will end that way because neither of us wants a sexless marriage. We went to counseling for a couple months but he can’t change his feelings towards me and he doesn’t think he will be able to. He does not want me to try and have sex with him because he’ll turn me down. He is not having an affair. I think until I build his confidence back up he won’t be able feel differently. But I don’t know how to do that without coming on to him. Any compliment I give him is going to sound like a desperate attempt to get him back. And of course now my hormones are back in line and I’ve never felt more sexual. We’re best friends but basically living like brother and sister. Any advice?

    • Yes…my advice is don’t give up! For now, I would respect his wishes and not initiate sex. Instead work on your emotional connection. Plan fun things to do together and work on building your emotional intimacy. Sex without emotional connection feels empty so focus on deepening your friendship. Hopefully over time, he will begin to feel some affection and attraction for you again. For a while, that may simply look like cuddling on the couch together while watching television or holding hands or long extended hugs. Take it slowly and hopefully his sexual desire will return. When and if it does, I highly recommend a terrific ebook called 31 Days to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire. It’s a sensitively written “how to” book that basically outlines how to go from no sex to highly satisfying sex. Each day you receive an assignment to try together. It starts off very low key and non-threatening so it’s a great book for couples who have been non-sexual for a while. Good luck and I wish you all the best!

  7. My husband of 6 yrs developed a chronic health condition which involves him reacting poorly to a large range of stimuli. We can’t go out, watch movies, listen to music or anything like that because of visual stimuli, noise levels, crowds etc.

    As a result for many years I couldn’t even hug him, hold hands, have long conversations or even touch him because he was feeling unwell so often. This of course has resulted in a sexless marriage; we are 28 and 32.

    While I understood logically that it was just his health causing the problem it still felt like daily rejection and after many years of pain and clinical depression I simply gave up and accepted the fact that this is the way our marriage would be.

    My husband has recently approached me and said he wants to work on our physical intimacy and regain our sex life, and even mentioned marriage counselling but I am no longer attracted to him. I do not want a divorce – we have a 5yr old daughter and are in the process of building a house. He is a nice guy and great father but my feelings toward him are that of a room mate or even sibling. The thought of even kissing him makes me physically ill.

    I don’t know what to do and don’t have anyone else to speak with for help on the matter. I want to love my husband and he deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him but I feel like it’s 2 years too late.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    • Michelle, I am so sorry for your pain. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you not to be able to go out, watch movies, listen to music, hug, hold hands or even touch your husband for so long. It’s no wonder your desire for sexual intimacy withered away. I imagine you had to “deaden” that part of yourself just to survive in the marriage. As I already mentioned in the comments to another reader… don’t give up! For now, do not put any pressure on yourself. Instead, I would focus solely on increasing the emotional connection with one another. What can you do together on a regular basis that is fun? How can you deepen your emotional intimacy? Once you’ve built a solid friendship including the ability to communicate well and be emotionally transparent and vulnerable, try dating each other. Again, no pressure for sexual intimacy at this point. Your husband needs to court you and romance you…in effect, he needs to win back your heart. Hopefully over time, you will begin to feel some attraction towards your husband again. Take things slowly. I highly recommend a terrific ebook called 31 Days to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire. It’s a sensitively written “how to” book that basically outlines how to go from no sex to highly satisfying sex. Each day you receive an assignment to try together. In your case, you may want to try one assignment per week versus day. It starts off very low key and non-threatening so it’s a great book for couples who have been non-sexual for a while. I wish you all the best Michelle! Please check back with me and let me know how you’re doing.

  8. I agree so much, the constructive way to “respice” the marriage starts with yourself. Change starts with yourself instead of risking hurting you spouse trying to change him/her.

    About five years ago I faced some of the same challenges of lack of attraction to my wife. We probably had the same challenges as so many others, lack of time and stress derived from high paced jobs and a lot of long days. Maintenance time to grow our relationship was limited, as was time to stay physically fit so we both got our share of “love handles”. The result was lack of attraction and intimacy. And maybe this is one of the areas in which us husbands can start with ourselves instead of criticizing our wives. Anyway, when it really couldn’t get any worse the recession settled in and the company I worked for went bankrupt. Facing another challenge I was now out of work, depressed and overweight. My wife’s a medical professional so her work was not affected by the recession, leaving her responsible for our economy and we nearly divorced. As a man and a husband it didn’t feel good at all but the irony is that it was the recession that showed me I had to start with myself and set a good example as a husband. It was an eye-opener to realize that I was about to lose her, that she was very attractive in the eyes of other men and that it was now up to me to step up the game.

    So, to make a long story short I began focusing on her and spending all the intimate and sexual energy on her. I stopped viewing porn and began regaining my attraction to her and not least giving her reasons to begin regaining her attraction to me. I started another education and got into fitness to the extent that I’ve never been in better shape than now, working out almost every day. And it really paid off, we’re starting to get back together, I feel more attracted to her while she has been given reason to be attracted to me.

    So yup, everything starts with *yourself*

    • Thank you so much for sharing your personal story…it is both inspiring and hopeful! As you say, it’s so easy to criticize our partner and want to change him/her but real change starts with ourselves. Congratulations on doing the hard work of getting your life, health, and marriage back on track. May you and your wife be richly blessed!

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